all this talk.

its been awhile since i've blogged because i havent been doing well at all and i've just lost the energy to write anything down...also wanted to make this a positive space for myself...not really happening. i dont even know what to say right now...i dont know how i'm going to do this...i'm so beaten down and lost. i feel like i should just be locked away for good...i have nothing to offer and i cant handle anything...not to sound pathetic, but thats just what i am.

exhaustion.

i've been too tired to post lately.

but i did see the jenni schaefer talk this past weekend at bryn mawr college and it was absolutely amazing! she's like my new hero...such an inspiration. i was crying practically the entire time and then she sang her song it's okay to be happy and i almost started bawling.

i've been hanging in there. got some blood taken today...i'm pretty confident that the results will be fine. on the other hand school is driving me crazy. i'm so glad that there's only three more weeks until spring break...and then i'm not going back next quarter. looking to get a job/volunteer position at this preschool in the city and hopefully will be studying for a few clep exams, applying to new schools, and then hopefully moving to the south! i need some southern sunshine and hospitality.

wtf ed.

affirmation: fuck you ed.
mood: hopeful & angry.
gratitude: i am grateful for second, third, fourth...chances.

five favorite breakfast foods.
a) french toast hands down.
b) cereal with bananas.
c) blueberry anything, muffins, pancakes, bagels, etc.
d) pancakes with bananas, walnuts, and syrup.
e) granola and greek yogurt.

"One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful."

just finished eating my breakfast and looking to keep myself occupied so i dont jump up and run to the bathroom. i'm feeling hopeful today though...its still early so i dont want to jinx myself, but i feel good...and very angry at the same time...angry at ed/ana/mia, angry for being angry, angry at myself, angry at the snow...haha, but i'm in a good albeit anxiety-ridden anger kind of good mood...atleast its still a good mood and thats all i'm after.

love & hate.

affirmation: you are lovely, a child of the universe.
mood: frustrated.
gratitude: today i am not feeling too much gratitude, except for my family.

five of my favorite recovery songs:
1} i'm movin on by rascal flatts.
2} the climb by miley cyrus.
3} fighter by christina aguilera.
4} how you live by point of grace.
5} stand in the rain by super chick.

recovery. why do i feel so ambivalent lately? why does this feel so hopeless, a battle that i can never win anyway? what should i do? what is the right choice to get back on the right road? can i get help even though i dont want it right now? recovery where are you? a life without ed? i cant even imagine.

i'm a liar, a filthy, ungrateful liar.

sometimes when i'm out i think to myself...i'd rather be at home bingeing and purging...it sounds so much more appealing to me. but why? i dont understand it. i just want to cry, to let it all out, but i cant, i just cant.

i love food too much and i hate food too much.

i'm so lost.

nedaw.

affirmation: recovery is possible.
mood: apprehensive & anxious
gratitude: i am grateful for my sister.

five of my favorite sounds.
1. thunder in the distance.
2. rain on the roof.
3. a crackling fire.
4. waves crashing.
5. birds chirping.

here are two quotes that i found that i really like...something to think about:
-> 'Perfectionism is the enemy of completion.'
-> 'To dream too much of the person you would like to be is to waste the person you are.'

its national eating disorder awareness week! i wish that this was the week that all of those afflicted with an ed were magically cured forever...wouldnt that be absolutely wonderful! but although that cannot happen, this is still a wonderful week, a chance to educate the public about the dangers, causes, etc of ed's. its a good thing.

i've been having a hard time lately...well for awhile...and actually i've been doing better, but still having the same hard time...if that makes any sense. i have so much to think about, what to do next quarter, moving to georgia and figuring out everything that goes a long with that, do i want to continue to go to school, can i handle school?, clep exams, paperwork for children's village, and then all the right now stuff like homework, money...theres so much. i miss being a care-free little kid. does being a grown-up ever get easier? and i'm just thinking how i'm not even a 'full grown-up' yet...does this get worse? ok i'm starting to get even more anxious. break.

change by tracy chapman is an awesome song.

affirmation: i can and will do this.
mood: anxious.
gratitude: i'm grateful for taxis at 3am.

five favorite smells:
1| the smell before and after it rains.
2| the smell of coffee in the morning.
3| the smell of freshly mown grass.
4| lavender.
5| old library books.

so therapy and nutrition has been going really well. made a plan in nutrition to help get rid of those ""just because" purges: every 7-10 days purge free (doesnt have to be consecutive) i'm going to reward myself with some self-care like a massage, manicure, pedicure and after 30 days purge free i'm going to make a trip to massachusetts or nyc to visit friends! sounds like pretty good motivation to me! my therapist gave me some homework too...i need to think about how my life would be if one day i woke up and i just couldnt purge anymore...i dont even know...at first when she asked me that i just got really anxious.

random bit of info. i am pretty sure that i want to move to north carolina or georgia with my sister. i need another change. i really actually dont like it here at all. i dont like living right in the city, it makes me paranoid with all the sirens and crime. its too busy and the cost of living is way too high. i dont like drexel at all. i guess i'm not a city girl...more of a burbs kinda girl. i like living near a city, but not in one. if we move then we'll live outside atlanta, but not in the city, go to a suburban state school and live in a bright apartment near campus. it would be safer, quieter, cheaper, cozier...and in the south! i've been obsessed with the south lately...i need another change too ya know?

well not really much to report...well actually lots...but thats more for a sleepover haha.

peace.

i'm movin on.

affirmation: food is medicine for my body.
mood: happy & hungry.
gratitude: i am grateful for all my wonderful friends!

five favorite fruits:
1\ watermelon
2\papaya
3\mango
4\cherries
5\ strawberries

despite depression nagging me this morning, i have had a wonderful ed free day! had a coffee break this morning, took a hot shower, read some of eat pray love, talked to my parents on the phone, had a random collection of food for lunch while watching my favorite reality show (cant believe that im into a reality show haha), went to classes, had breakfast for dinner...and...MY SISTER IS BACK!!! i am so happy that she's finally home. the apt feels so much brighter already. i can feel some hope seeping back into my veins after a long cold month alone <3

valentine's day ended nicely too actually. i ended up going out and buying myself a small, keyword small here, heart shaped box of chocolates and one for my sister, rented a romantic comedy, sang while i made myself a fresh salad, colored pasta, and chicken with sauce for dinner...by candlelight. it was nice...turned into a romantic comedy marathon, watched how to lose a guy in ten days afterwords...oh i actually love valentines day...dont tell anyone though haha.

busy week ahead of me though...i hope that i can keep this good mood going for awhile :)

the little engine that could.

affirmation: my body is a gift.
mood: lost and lonely.
gratitude: i am grateful for sunshine.

five favorite movies:
I. i heart huckabees.
II. donnie darko.
III. the wizard of oz.
IV. bandits.
V. billy elliot.

my sister comes home tuesday evening...thank god. i don't know how much longer i can take this living alone business. having to go through sunday monday and most of tuesday still sounds like too much. seriously though, this loneliness seems never ending and i know that some of it will disappear once mel gets back, but i dont see it getting that much better. i am really hating living here and hating myself for making the rash decision to move here. wtf was i thinking? i could have gone back to mount holyoke, the only place that has felt like home besides germany. no it wasn't perfect, but it was a home.

should i go back to mount holyoke? would that just be one more wrong decision? would they even take me back?

eds taking advantage of this loneliness by offering me comfort. i was able to stay strong for one day again though and fought him tooth and nail. it nearly drained me of all my energy. i feel like there is this enticing monster on my back who makes promises to me all day...and me being so gullible, i believe everything.

right now i'm just feeling so depressed that i can't even write anything...it would just be a slew of complaints and whining anyway.

snow days and hot chocolate.

affirmation: i am a child of the universe.
mood: comfy.
gratitude: i am grateful to have such a resilient body.

things i love about the snow:
1] how it looks like glitter in the light of the street lamps.
2] how much quieter it is outside.
3] how it makes the world look like a fairytale.
4] snow angels.
5] snow days!

today has been a good productive day actually. all my classes were cancelled so i had an extended coffee hour this morning before sitting down to start the paper i have been stressin out over for the past week. mmmm the coffee was delicious :)
i have had two days symptom free and i am so proud of myself. {i'm not going to keep count tho so if i slip i dont fall} its been such an incredible struggle tho...my body had gotten used to getting rid of everything after id eaten it...sooooo...yeah about that...yesterday i went for a walk to keep myself out of the bathroom even tho i was in so much pain. it helped tho to get some cool crisp winter air...and some pepto haha right now i'm still feeling really really full from dinner so i'm distracting myself by blogging...blog blog blog, blah blah blah. i did throw myself a mini dinner party tonight and made one of my favorite fancy meals for myself. it was wonderful...yes i'm feeling guilty for letting myself enjoy a meal and for being mindful and present for a meal...it was a new sensation...but it was WONDERFUL, and balanced and followed my meal plan. its ok...its better than ok.

today was a good day, yesterday was a good day. nothing spectacular happened...well i didnt use symptoms which is pretty spectacular! i need to remember these good feelings to help me get through these awful times.

on another good note...tomorrow is...another...SNOW DAY

i think i'll make some hot chocolate <3

healthy day.

affirmation: i am learning to feed and care for my body.
mood: hopeful & determined
gratitude: i am grateful for my family who is so supportive & understanding.

what can i do instead of bingeing and purging (b/p):
1. work on my paper
2. knit and watch tv
3. blog
4. go for a "mindful" walk
5. call a friend

yesterday was "another healthy day" which is when you suspend all ed behaviors for just one day...unfortunately i wasn't able to do that...yesterday. today i have made the commitment to have one ed free day. there is less pressure than thinking, "i will never use my ed behaviors again." recovery is a slippery slope and i am taking it minute by minute, one meal at a time. i'm breaking out the meal plan again, following my exchanges and promising myself to eat one meal following my meal plan, then saying to myself, "i will not purge for 30 min, then 30 min more," until the urge has passed. so far this is working. i know its early in the day, but i'm not thinking about later, i'm thinking about now.

almost.

{don't know if this could be triggering to some people:}

just need to get this off my chest. i just spent thirty minutes walking around the grocery store pining after my binge foods. i don't know why i went in there...it was absolute torture. it took all my will power not to buy anything...or steal anything. i left quickly and suddenly with nothing in my hands. i should have felt proud of myself, but the food was all i could think of . i was obsessing over it. it was like a constant stream of pictures, smells, and tastes going through my head. it made me sad to think that i couldn't even have a bite of one of those foods without going into an eating frenzy. so i came home emotionally drained and emotionally starving. i was making my lunch, talking myself through the process, trying to calm myself down...when a bomb went off. let me preface this by saying that i make sure to keep none of my binge foods in the house. yeas, i'm guilty of running out to buy a binge and consume it immediately, but i keep NO binge foods in the house...except now everything has become a possible binge...tofu, lunch meat, lasagna...i get so desperate for food that i will eat ANYTHING and everything. its absolutely absurd. so the switch went off and i ate a massive amount of meatloaf...meatloaf?!?!? are you kidding me? with salsa...i have become a vacuum. i ran to the bathroom to finish off the session and couldn't do it...physically...i was angry and cried into the toilet until my head was throbbing and i didn't have the energy for more. now my throat is scratched up, i'm stuffed and i feel like a failure in every way possible. yes i was able to keep myself from spending money on food, but i incited a binge anyhow. why do i do this to myself? and then ed makes me feel like a failure for having an unsuccessful purge...i've lost my only skill. i am so torn...is recovery even possible for me? i feel so motivated in a superficial sense, but i keep thinking "if i just get down to x lbs then everything will be okay...it will be more manageable."

oh i want recovery so badly it hurts, but ed is pulling me back into the black hole...
i swear i want to recover and live a long, happy life...but i feel so hopeless it hurts.

intro.

so i'm going to be using this blog as a recovery journal. a lot of the exercises i've gotten from treatment (tx) and the somethingfishy website (something-fishy.org), which is a great pro-recovery website. THIS BLOG IS PRO-RECOVERY. i'm saying this mostly to myself because this is the beginning and no one is reading this. i'm trying to remind myself that this is what i want. ((plus i'm anal about my handwriting and angered by how slow i write that i need a break from my written journal...and typing is way faster. those are my superficial petty reasons.))

i'm the middle of a major slip-up, which is getting dangerously close to a relapse. school and loneliness are my main triggers and of course i'm dealing with both right now. its especially hard when school is a main trigger. i feel like since i'm dealing with so much right now with trying to battle ed that i just can't handle being in school. yes i feel weak pathetic guilty and ashamed of this, but school is just way too overwhelming right now. i don't even like school. i like the idea of it...but in reality i kind of hate it. i've lost interest in it. i was supposed to have graduated in just one or two more semesters at mount holyoke and i completely ruined it. it was a love/hate relationship. but at least i had my best friend there with me. in this new place at this new school i just feel so out of place. no connections with people, no real interest in classes or work. everything just feels like such a daunting task. actually right now i'm skipping class because i woke up and fell right into a nervous breakdown. not the funnest way to start your day. ((if this were survival of the fittest, i would be long gone by now...no way i'll be passing on these genes.)) but i've stopped crying and cleaned myself up a bit ((...should clean the apt...when i'm depressed self-care goes out the window...)) now a quick rant and then off to some more self-soothing.

i think the way i will set this up is to start with an affirmation or quote, my mood, one thing i'm grateful for, a list of something and then perhaps a rant or summary of my day...whatever i need.