29.3.10
all this talk.
its been awhile since i've blogged because i havent been doing well at all and i've just lost the energy to write anything down...also wanted to make this a positive space for myself...not really happening. i dont even know what to say right now...i dont know how i'm going to do this...i'm so beaten down and lost. i feel like i should just be locked away for good...i have nothing to offer and i cant handle anything...not to sound pathetic, but thats just what i am.
1.3.10
exhaustion.
i've been too tired to post lately.
but i did see the jenni schaefer talk this past weekend at bryn mawr college and it was absolutely amazing! she's like my new hero...such an inspiration. i was crying practically the entire time and then she sang her song it's okay to be happy and i almost started bawling.
i've been hanging in there. got some blood taken today...i'm pretty confident that the results will be fine. on the other hand school is driving me crazy. i'm so glad that there's only three more weeks until spring break...and then i'm not going back next quarter. looking to get a job/volunteer position at this preschool in the city and hopefully will be studying for a few clep exams, applying to new schools, and then hopefully moving to the south! i need some southern sunshine and hospitality.
but i did see the jenni schaefer talk this past weekend at bryn mawr college and it was absolutely amazing! she's like my new hero...such an inspiration. i was crying practically the entire time and then she sang her song it's okay to be happy and i almost started bawling.
i've been hanging in there. got some blood taken today...i'm pretty confident that the results will be fine. on the other hand school is driving me crazy. i'm so glad that there's only three more weeks until spring break...and then i'm not going back next quarter. looking to get a job/volunteer position at this preschool in the city and hopefully will be studying for a few clep exams, applying to new schools, and then hopefully moving to the south! i need some southern sunshine and hospitality.
25.2.10
wtf ed.
affirmation: fuck you ed.
mood: hopeful & angry.
gratitude: i am grateful for second, third, fourth...chances.
five favorite breakfast foods.
a) french toast hands down.
b) cereal with bananas.
c) blueberry anything, muffins, pancakes, bagels, etc.
d) pancakes with bananas, walnuts, and syrup.
e) granola and greek yogurt.
"One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful."
just finished eating my breakfast and looking to keep myself occupied so i dont jump up and run to the bathroom. i'm feeling hopeful today though...its still early so i dont want to jinx myself, but i feel good...and very angry at the same time...angry at ed/ana/mia, angry for being angry, angry at myself, angry at the snow...haha, but i'm in a good albeit anxiety-ridden anger kind of good mood...atleast its still a good mood and thats all i'm after.
mood: hopeful & angry.
gratitude: i am grateful for second, third, fourth...chances.
five favorite breakfast foods.
a) french toast hands down.
b) cereal with bananas.
c) blueberry anything, muffins, pancakes, bagels, etc.
d) pancakes with bananas, walnuts, and syrup.
e) granola and greek yogurt.
"One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful."
just finished eating my breakfast and looking to keep myself occupied so i dont jump up and run to the bathroom. i'm feeling hopeful today though...its still early so i dont want to jinx myself, but i feel good...and very angry at the same time...angry at ed/ana/mia, angry for being angry, angry at myself, angry at the snow...haha, but i'm in a good albeit anxiety-ridden anger kind of good mood...atleast its still a good mood and thats all i'm after.
23.2.10
love & hate.
affirmation: you are lovely, a child of the universe.
mood: frustrated.
gratitude: today i am not feeling too much gratitude, except for my family.
five of my favorite recovery songs:
1} i'm movin on by rascal flatts.
2} the climb by miley cyrus.
3} fighter by christina aguilera.
4} how you live by point of grace.
5} stand in the rain by super chick.
recovery. why do i feel so ambivalent lately? why does this feel so hopeless, a battle that i can never win anyway? what should i do? what is the right choice to get back on the right road? can i get help even though i dont want it right now? recovery where are you? a life without ed? i cant even imagine.
i'm a liar, a filthy, ungrateful liar.
sometimes when i'm out i think to myself...i'd rather be at home bingeing and purging...it sounds so much more appealing to me. but why? i dont understand it. i just want to cry, to let it all out, but i cant, i just cant.
i love food too much and i hate food too much.
i'm so lost.
mood: frustrated.
gratitude: today i am not feeling too much gratitude, except for my family.
five of my favorite recovery songs:
1} i'm movin on by rascal flatts.
2} the climb by miley cyrus.
3} fighter by christina aguilera.
4} how you live by point of grace.
5} stand in the rain by super chick.
recovery. why do i feel so ambivalent lately? why does this feel so hopeless, a battle that i can never win anyway? what should i do? what is the right choice to get back on the right road? can i get help even though i dont want it right now? recovery where are you? a life without ed? i cant even imagine.
i'm a liar, a filthy, ungrateful liar.
sometimes when i'm out i think to myself...i'd rather be at home bingeing and purging...it sounds so much more appealing to me. but why? i dont understand it. i just want to cry, to let it all out, but i cant, i just cant.
i love food too much and i hate food too much.
i'm so lost.
21.2.10
nedaw.
affirmation: recovery is possible.
mood: apprehensive & anxious
gratitude: i am grateful for my sister.
five of my favorite sounds.
1. thunder in the distance.
2. rain on the roof.
3. a crackling fire.
4. waves crashing.
5. birds chirping.
here are two quotes that i found that i really like...something to think about:
-> 'Perfectionism is the enemy of completion.'
-> 'To dream too much of the person you would like to be is to waste the person you are.'
its national eating disorder awareness week! i wish that this was the week that all of those afflicted with an ed were magically cured forever...wouldnt that be absolutely wonderful! but although that cannot happen, this is still a wonderful week, a chance to educate the public about the dangers, causes, etc of ed's. its a good thing.
i've been having a hard time lately...well for awhile...and actually i've been doing better, but still having the same hard time...if that makes any sense. i have so much to think about, what to do next quarter, moving to georgia and figuring out everything that goes a long with that, do i want to continue to go to school, can i handle school?, clep exams, paperwork for children's village, and then all the right now stuff like homework, money...theres so much. i miss being a care-free little kid. does being a grown-up ever get easier? and i'm just thinking how i'm not even a 'full grown-up' yet...does this get worse? ok i'm starting to get even more anxious. break.
mood: apprehensive & anxious
gratitude: i am grateful for my sister.
five of my favorite sounds.
1. thunder in the distance.
2. rain on the roof.
3. a crackling fire.
4. waves crashing.
5. birds chirping.
here are two quotes that i found that i really like...something to think about:
-> 'Perfectionism is the enemy of completion.'
-> 'To dream too much of the person you would like to be is to waste the person you are.'
its national eating disorder awareness week! i wish that this was the week that all of those afflicted with an ed were magically cured forever...wouldnt that be absolutely wonderful! but although that cannot happen, this is still a wonderful week, a chance to educate the public about the dangers, causes, etc of ed's. its a good thing.
i've been having a hard time lately...well for awhile...and actually i've been doing better, but still having the same hard time...if that makes any sense. i have so much to think about, what to do next quarter, moving to georgia and figuring out everything that goes a long with that, do i want to continue to go to school, can i handle school?, clep exams, paperwork for children's village, and then all the right now stuff like homework, money...theres so much. i miss being a care-free little kid. does being a grown-up ever get easier? and i'm just thinking how i'm not even a 'full grown-up' yet...does this get worse? ok i'm starting to get even more anxious. break.
20.2.10
change by tracy chapman is an awesome song.
affirmation: i can and will do this.
mood: anxious.
gratitude: i'm grateful for taxis at 3am.
five favorite smells:
1| the smell before and after it rains.
2| the smell of coffee in the morning.
3| the smell of freshly mown grass.
4| lavender.
5| old library books.
so therapy and nutrition has been going really well. made a plan in nutrition to help get rid of those ""just because" purges: every 7-10 days purge free (doesnt have to be consecutive) i'm going to reward myself with some self-care like a massage, manicure, pedicure and after 30 days purge free i'm going to make a trip to massachusetts or nyc to visit friends! sounds like pretty good motivation to me! my therapist gave me some homework too...i need to think about how my life would be if one day i woke up and i just couldnt purge anymore...i dont even know...at first when she asked me that i just got really anxious.
random bit of info. i am pretty sure that i want to move to north carolina or georgia with my sister. i need another change. i really actually dont like it here at all. i dont like living right in the city, it makes me paranoid with all the sirens and crime. its too busy and the cost of living is way too high. i dont like drexel at all. i guess i'm not a city girl...more of a burbs kinda girl. i like living near a city, but not in one. if we move then we'll live outside atlanta, but not in the city, go to a suburban state school and live in a bright apartment near campus. it would be safer, quieter, cheaper, cozier...and in the south! i've been obsessed with the south lately...i need another change too ya know?
well not really much to report...well actually lots...but thats more for a sleepover haha.
peace.
mood: anxious.
gratitude: i'm grateful for taxis at 3am.
five favorite smells:
1| the smell before and after it rains.
2| the smell of coffee in the morning.
3| the smell of freshly mown grass.
4| lavender.
5| old library books.
so therapy and nutrition has been going really well. made a plan in nutrition to help get rid of those ""just because" purges: every 7-10 days purge free (doesnt have to be consecutive) i'm going to reward myself with some self-care like a massage, manicure, pedicure and after 30 days purge free i'm going to make a trip to massachusetts or nyc to visit friends! sounds like pretty good motivation to me! my therapist gave me some homework too...i need to think about how my life would be if one day i woke up and i just couldnt purge anymore...i dont even know...at first when she asked me that i just got really anxious.
random bit of info. i am pretty sure that i want to move to north carolina or georgia with my sister. i need another change. i really actually dont like it here at all. i dont like living right in the city, it makes me paranoid with all the sirens and crime. its too busy and the cost of living is way too high. i dont like drexel at all. i guess i'm not a city girl...more of a burbs kinda girl. i like living near a city, but not in one. if we move then we'll live outside atlanta, but not in the city, go to a suburban state school and live in a bright apartment near campus. it would be safer, quieter, cheaper, cozier...and in the south! i've been obsessed with the south lately...i need another change too ya know?
well not really much to report...well actually lots...but thats more for a sleepover haha.
peace.
16.2.10
i'm movin on.
affirmation: food is medicine for my body.
mood: happy & hungry.
gratitude: i am grateful for all my wonderful friends!
five favorite fruits:
1\ watermelon
2\papaya
3\mango
4\cherries
5\ strawberries
despite depression nagging me this morning, i have had a wonderful ed free day! had a coffee break this morning, took a hot shower, read some of eat pray love, talked to my parents on the phone, had a random collection of food for lunch while watching my favorite reality show (cant believe that im into a reality show haha), went to classes, had breakfast for dinner...and...MY SISTER IS BACK!!! i am so happy that she's finally home. the apt feels so much brighter already. i can feel some hope seeping back into my veins after a long cold month alone <3
valentine's day ended nicely too actually. i ended up going out and buying myself a small, keyword small here, heart shaped box of chocolates and one for my sister, rented a romantic comedy, sang while i made myself a fresh salad, colored pasta, and chicken with sauce for dinner...by candlelight. it was nice...turned into a romantic comedy marathon, watched how to lose a guy in ten days afterwords...oh i actually love valentines day...dont tell anyone though haha.
busy week ahead of me though...i hope that i can keep this good mood going for awhile :)
mood: happy & hungry.
gratitude: i am grateful for all my wonderful friends!
five favorite fruits:
1\ watermelon
2\papaya
3\mango
4\cherries
5\ strawberries
despite depression nagging me this morning, i have had a wonderful ed free day! had a coffee break this morning, took a hot shower, read some of eat pray love, talked to my parents on the phone, had a random collection of food for lunch while watching my favorite reality show (cant believe that im into a reality show haha), went to classes, had breakfast for dinner...and...MY SISTER IS BACK!!! i am so happy that she's finally home. the apt feels so much brighter already. i can feel some hope seeping back into my veins after a long cold month alone <3
valentine's day ended nicely too actually. i ended up going out and buying myself a small, keyword small here, heart shaped box of chocolates and one for my sister, rented a romantic comedy, sang while i made myself a fresh salad, colored pasta, and chicken with sauce for dinner...by candlelight. it was nice...turned into a romantic comedy marathon, watched how to lose a guy in ten days afterwords...oh i actually love valentines day...dont tell anyone though haha.
busy week ahead of me though...i hope that i can keep this good mood going for awhile :)
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