the little engine that could.

affirmation: my body is a gift.
mood: lost and lonely.
gratitude: i am grateful for sunshine.

five favorite movies:
I. i heart huckabees.
II. donnie darko.
III. the wizard of oz.
IV. bandits.
V. billy elliot.

my sister comes home tuesday evening...thank god. i don't know how much longer i can take this living alone business. having to go through sunday monday and most of tuesday still sounds like too much. seriously though, this loneliness seems never ending and i know that some of it will disappear once mel gets back, but i dont see it getting that much better. i am really hating living here and hating myself for making the rash decision to move here. wtf was i thinking? i could have gone back to mount holyoke, the only place that has felt like home besides germany. no it wasn't perfect, but it was a home.

should i go back to mount holyoke? would that just be one more wrong decision? would they even take me back?

eds taking advantage of this loneliness by offering me comfort. i was able to stay strong for one day again though and fought him tooth and nail. it nearly drained me of all my energy. i feel like there is this enticing monster on my back who makes promises to me all day...and me being so gullible, i believe everything.

right now i'm just feeling so depressed that i can't even write anything...it would just be a slew of complaints and whining anyway.

snow days and hot chocolate.

affirmation: i am a child of the universe.
mood: comfy.
gratitude: i am grateful to have such a resilient body.

things i love about the snow:
1] how it looks like glitter in the light of the street lamps.
2] how much quieter it is outside.
3] how it makes the world look like a fairytale.
4] snow angels.
5] snow days!

today has been a good productive day actually. all my classes were cancelled so i had an extended coffee hour this morning before sitting down to start the paper i have been stressin out over for the past week. mmmm the coffee was delicious :)
i have had two days symptom free and i am so proud of myself. {i'm not going to keep count tho so if i slip i dont fall} its been such an incredible struggle tho...my body had gotten used to getting rid of everything after id eaten it...sooooo...yeah about that...yesterday i went for a walk to keep myself out of the bathroom even tho i was in so much pain. it helped tho to get some cool crisp winter air...and some pepto haha right now i'm still feeling really really full from dinner so i'm distracting myself by blogging...blog blog blog, blah blah blah. i did throw myself a mini dinner party tonight and made one of my favorite fancy meals for myself. it was wonderful...yes i'm feeling guilty for letting myself enjoy a meal and for being mindful and present for a meal...it was a new sensation...but it was WONDERFUL, and balanced and followed my meal plan. its ok...its better than ok.

today was a good day, yesterday was a good day. nothing spectacular happened...well i didnt use symptoms which is pretty spectacular! i need to remember these good feelings to help me get through these awful times.

on another good note...tomorrow is...another...SNOW DAY

i think i'll make some hot chocolate <3

almost.

{don't know if this could be triggering to some people:}

just need to get this off my chest. i just spent thirty minutes walking around the grocery store pining after my binge foods. i don't know why i went in there...it was absolute torture. it took all my will power not to buy anything...or steal anything. i left quickly and suddenly with nothing in my hands. i should have felt proud of myself, but the food was all i could think of . i was obsessing over it. it was like a constant stream of pictures, smells, and tastes going through my head. it made me sad to think that i couldn't even have a bite of one of those foods without going into an eating frenzy. so i came home emotionally drained and emotionally starving. i was making my lunch, talking myself through the process, trying to calm myself down...when a bomb went off. let me preface this by saying that i make sure to keep none of my binge foods in the house. yeas, i'm guilty of running out to buy a binge and consume it immediately, but i keep NO binge foods in the house...except now everything has become a possible binge...tofu, lunch meat, lasagna...i get so desperate for food that i will eat ANYTHING and everything. its absolutely absurd. so the switch went off and i ate a massive amount of meatloaf...meatloaf?!?!? are you kidding me? with salsa...i have become a vacuum. i ran to the bathroom to finish off the session and couldn't do it...physically...i was angry and cried into the toilet until my head was throbbing and i didn't have the energy for more. now my throat is scratched up, i'm stuffed and i feel like a failure in every way possible. yes i was able to keep myself from spending money on food, but i incited a binge anyhow. why do i do this to myself? and then ed makes me feel like a failure for having an unsuccessful purge...i've lost my only skill. i am so torn...is recovery even possible for me? i feel so motivated in a superficial sense, but i keep thinking "if i just get down to x lbs then everything will be okay...it will be more manageable."

oh i want recovery so badly it hurts, but ed is pulling me back into the black hole...
i swear i want to recover and live a long, happy life...but i feel so hopeless it hurts.