almost.

{don't know if this could be triggering to some people:}

just need to get this off my chest. i just spent thirty minutes walking around the grocery store pining after my binge foods. i don't know why i went in there...it was absolute torture. it took all my will power not to buy anything...or steal anything. i left quickly and suddenly with nothing in my hands. i should have felt proud of myself, but the food was all i could think of . i was obsessing over it. it was like a constant stream of pictures, smells, and tastes going through my head. it made me sad to think that i couldn't even have a bite of one of those foods without going into an eating frenzy. so i came home emotionally drained and emotionally starving. i was making my lunch, talking myself through the process, trying to calm myself down...when a bomb went off. let me preface this by saying that i make sure to keep none of my binge foods in the house. yeas, i'm guilty of running out to buy a binge and consume it immediately, but i keep NO binge foods in the house...except now everything has become a possible binge...tofu, lunch meat, lasagna...i get so desperate for food that i will eat ANYTHING and everything. its absolutely absurd. so the switch went off and i ate a massive amount of meatloaf...meatloaf?!?!? are you kidding me? with salsa...i have become a vacuum. i ran to the bathroom to finish off the session and couldn't do it...physically...i was angry and cried into the toilet until my head was throbbing and i didn't have the energy for more. now my throat is scratched up, i'm stuffed and i feel like a failure in every way possible. yes i was able to keep myself from spending money on food, but i incited a binge anyhow. why do i do this to myself? and then ed makes me feel like a failure for having an unsuccessful purge...i've lost my only skill. i am so torn...is recovery even possible for me? i feel so motivated in a superficial sense, but i keep thinking "if i just get down to x lbs then everything will be okay...it will be more manageable."

oh i want recovery so badly it hurts, but ed is pulling me back into the black hole...
i swear i want to recover and live a long, happy life...but i feel so hopeless it hurts.